Should I go back?

Andami kong tanong sa sarili ko today, but it all comes down to: SHOULD I GO BACK? Hmmm..  :|

 

That was posted yesterday in my FB account. What was I thinking back then?

 

Ah, alam ko na. I was thinking about my options. It's been quite a hassle going back to school then afterwards head straight to work, sleeping in between my breaks and before logging in (approx. 8pm-10pm) or even on my way home after shift and on our way to work after classes.

 

T'was really a big challenge for "my Pen-pen" Jaja and I, but, hey, we have to.

 

We just discovered that dropping all our subjects doesn't entail still paying for the remaining 18K+ on our total assessed fees, and we've at least thought of "Hmmm, ganun pala 'yon? Drop na kaya natin lahat?" leaving the two of us back to being one of those out-of-school youth. But that was just a tinnie winnie thought at the back of our minds.

 

I guess it's because we're just forced to go back to school. I mean, not that somebody's really pushing us back, but I guess the thought of stopping for a year, being left by our batch mates and working all along is one of the main reasons. The pressure is there as people kept on telling us we might love the "earning" capabilities and might never want to go back to school ever. We (along with "my Mai-mai" Khar) also made this "pact" that we will just stop for a year. Though Khar still wasn't able to do so, I know she'll be with us soon.

 

We ditched that thinking at once, don't worry, we're just so pressured lately and it has been all running with tough luck with all the juggling of our school works, job, sleep, rest and personal lives. Talk about my Pen's breakup and my giving up. Sigh.

The question WAS, should I go back to being this employed, out-of-school youth?

The answer, needless to say, is a big no-no.

 

+++

I've been so indifferent lately. I dunno if this is just a part of me growing up to someone more mature or is this a part of me carrying on? I honestly dunno. But as far as I know, I'm not doing something that I can consider "so not me"

I might consider myself too much on being pathetic if in case I'm doing something I philosophically established that I wouldn't ever do, but come to think of it, I'm just responding less on things happening around me, nothing grande. 

People seem to notice it, and for some reason I don't really think they like this change I'm suiting myself into.

Question is, will I go back to being the old me who always has a say on everything?

+++

I've given up. I'm now carrying on. I stopped working on things. Lately, it has been so bumpy that on everyday happenings I always end up thinking really deep- and seriously, it has given me headaches much painful than the calls I've handled has brought me so far.

These past few days has been smooth sailing, in a positive note. Though I keep on telling myself enough is enough, there's this side of me that i still hoping. Yeah, I can't deny that. I've stopped looking for a future with him, and yeah it's quite tough to manage but I know I can get through it all, and that's what I really need, and want- for now.

I've been asking myself, should I go back to that open circle and "at last" have it closed? I dunno, as I've said, I don't wanna be the one who'll work it out this time. I've done my part- and even more, so I guess it's just up to fate (or willpower?) if THIS is actually heading somewhere.

+++

It's been a while since I last went home. New Year celebration to be exact. I'm not even planning to go home by then if not because of my chicken pox.

Why would I? To meet and catch up with friends? To parade myself to our neighborhood and be asked how much I'm earning now? To see how our family business went afloat? To see how miserable it is living away, then go back to a quite obvious broken home? To see how my granny became this helpless mother?

I dunno, it always breaks my heart going back home. Instead of going home, I drown myself with thoughts here in Manila on how could I work things out in the near future. I have big plans, yet I take small steps, kasi hindi ko pa kaya magmalaki, and I meant that literally and figuratively.

Is going back to a place where you keep on seeing the difference of your before, now and then a pretty challenging thing? Definitely. 

+++

Everyday's a matter of what-if's, shall-should, will-would. It's been always a struggle answering these, but one thing's for sure. I absolutely CAN, it's just a matter of perspective. 

It always depends on how we look at it.